I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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Why was the lion-tamer fined?
He parked on a yellow lion.
What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yep, that they do.
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Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
A boy asks his mother for breakfast.
She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicks the chicken.
He does the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry.
His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat.
The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?
A: A jump rope!
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.
"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty Bags are missing.