The best animal jokes

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop, food, lawyer
Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.
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has 69.85 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?" "Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "Tell me more" said the priest. "One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog." "But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest. "Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again." "Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead! "And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
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has 69.85 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, lawyer, priest
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: animal
Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, life
Q: Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? A: She wanted to mount the horse her way.
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: animal, women
How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: animal
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
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has 69.44 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, food
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
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has 69.39 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: animal, health
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