The best animal jokes

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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More jokes about: animal, doctor, mother in law
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
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Chuck Norris tangled with Wolverine. He beat to him to a bloody pulp, then dared him to heal himself. Wolverine will not be in the next X-Men movie.
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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.
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"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!" "Was it a Jersey cow?" "I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"
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More jokes about: animal, lawyer
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
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More jokes about: animal, death, doctor, food
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."
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What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing.
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What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? Claws.
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Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey. The country there now is only an impostor.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, food