Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.
Vote:
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender.
"That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom.
She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her.
They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating.
She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
How does a leopard change its spots?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it.
Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.
So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.
The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.
So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!
EEEHHH!
He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.
As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, "Will you be back tomorrow when we'll have a new contest?"
The guy replies" Of course this is easier money than my career."
So the next night.
The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:
Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house.
The Bartender tells the guy," Let me see you win this one."
The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something.
The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.
When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says."
Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?"
The guy lights a cigarette and says," Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him."
This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."