Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!
Q: Where do birds meet for coffee? A: In a nest-cafe!
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and shits out grizzly bears.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
What is a nigger? Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you". Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?" The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.