Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
What is a nigger? Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? A: He was looking for pooh!
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur? A: Megasoreass.