The best animal jokes

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
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has 69.44 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, food
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
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has 69.39 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: animal, health
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
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has 69.39 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, doctor, dog, money
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: animal
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: animal, elephant, men
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover? A: His ass!
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, horse, vulgar
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
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has 69.28 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, horse, old people
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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has 69.28 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, doctor, mother in law
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."
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has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.
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has 69.14 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
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