The best animal jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it...
Vote: has 70.70 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, blonde, dirty, sex
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and shits out grizzly bears.
Vote: has 70.59 % from 108 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Vote: has 70.43 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, car, Chuck Norris, time
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
Vote: has 70.40 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, fish, life
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other." The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Vote: has 70.32 % from 64 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, love, men, women
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Vote: has 70.31 % from 494 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Facebook, technology
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."
Vote: has 70.18 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, parrot
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull." The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick." The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?" The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
Vote: has 70.18 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dad, kids
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."
Vote: has 70.07 % from 83 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cop
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."
Vote: has 70.01 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal