Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
A: He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?
The Lizard of Oz.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?
It was out of odor!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.
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Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.
Vote:
Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.
A boy asks his mother for breakfast.
She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicks the chicken.
He does the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry.
His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat.
The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy.
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason.
The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."