The best baby jokes

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"

"Yes brother," says Paddy. "Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick. "It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy. A month later Paddy calls Mick. "Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy. "That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick. "I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy. "And what did you call the boy?" "I called the boy De nephew."

One day little Johnny asked his teacher "So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule? The teacher responded "Yes why?" Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"

What do you name an Asian baby with problems? Sum ting wong.

Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting? A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!

A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there. He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does. When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man. When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man. At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood. So the American man stood too. Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down. Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth. When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!