What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
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There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
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A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
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"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.
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A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral.
A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said.
"It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
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Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.
I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.