How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
I walked passed a burnt out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks". How right they were.
Q: What's faster than the speed of light? A: A jew passing Germany.
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"