How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a gama of cherades. ...Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.
This could be considered the ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties. His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy. A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"