Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in your laundry.
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly. Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test. Johnny: So? Are you afraid? Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now? Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."