My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?" Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"