Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared." Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.
A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother: "Mummy, tell me a fairy-tale." "Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale..."
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin mobile.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."