They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news." The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life." "Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?" The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."
I bet Rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin mobile.