Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's? He always burns the franks.
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."