This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin mobile.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
I bet Rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.