Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"