The best car jokes

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
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has 80.12 % from 98 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, god
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture.", the man said. And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked. "My wife!!!" said the man.
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has 80.12 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, car, cop, wife
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
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has 80.05 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, mean, money, women
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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has 79.93 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, car, drunk
What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
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has 79.93 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, women
One evening a old man is traveling at 70mph in a 30mh zone a little further down the road. A police car pulls him over and tells him "I've been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating." The police officer says to the speeder "I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I will let you go as it will save me any paper work." The speeder replies "My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were bringing her back." The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives a way.
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has 79.84 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, old people, time, travel
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
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has 79.73 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: car, lawyer
What do spongebob and an asian have in common? They're both yellow and cant drive.
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has 79.61 % from 969 votes. More jokes about: car, racist
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
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has 79.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: car, lawyer
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
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has 79.49 % from 135 votes. More jokes about: black humor, car, kids, wife
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