My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Just that we need CHANGE! This brings to mind the following illustration... Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, Brown, you change with Schultz..." "Change, now get on with it!" And the moral is: A candidate may promise change in Washington... but the stink remains!
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a couple of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
Client: "Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence." Me: "You mean... the period?" Client: "I don't care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it."
A tomato walks into work and a potato says: "Hello, Tomatoe..." He responds: "My name is not Tomatoe, it's just Tomato. How would you like it if I called you "Potatoe"? "Well, that would just be weird because my name is Rick!"
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?" "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
A guy and a girl are roommates in college. The girl goes to a frat party, brings home another guy, fucks him, and then decides the next morning that she likes her roommate and therefore it's not going to work out. After her fling left, her roommate came up to her and: Him: "I think I found my soulmate in you..." Her: "Really?!" Him: "Yeah... uh... that guy you brought home last night?" Her: "Oh yeah. I don't care about him anymore." Him: "Great! So he's available?"
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."