Q: What did the grape say when it was crushed? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!
Q: Why was the wizard kicked out of school. A: Because he forgot how to spell.
Dear haters, I can't help but notice that awesome ends in ME and ugly starts with U.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
Q: Why don't you ask Yoda for money? A: He is always a little to short.
Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.