Q: Why the men's voice is louder than women? A: men have an antenna!
Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
Q: What did the letter O said to the letter Q? A: Dude, your dick is hanging out.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over. He reminded them that they often tell the same stories. "Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."
A professor and a doctor both love the same girl. Each one tries to get rid of the other. Once, it so happened that the professor had travel out of the country for a week. Before leaving, he gave his girlfriend seven apples and asked her to eat one every day while he was not there. When asked why, he replied,"Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away."