Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?" I replied I prefer the good one. Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!" I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex? A: Lefty.
May: "Why did you slap me?!" Michael: "I didn't slap your face! I High fived it!" May: "I'm going to tell mom on you when we go to the sea side!" Micheal: "Uh, Shore you will." May: "Don't be such a beach."
Dear haters, I can't help but notice that awesome ends in ME and ugly starts with U.
"Are you two twins?" "No, why do you ask?" "Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes." "OK that's enough, your driver's license please."
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
Q: Why was the wizard kicked out of school. A: Because he forgot how to spell.
Son: "Dad, I'm cold..." Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"