"Are you two twins?" "No, why do you ask?" "Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes." "OK that's enough, your driver's license please."
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A: A bird that will talk your ear off!
What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve? Answer: "Halo there!"
Q: What deodorant do SEO consultants wear? A: Lynx
Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?" She said, "Nope, just found one!"
Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement." I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code." After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."
In 2011 someone asked Chuck Norris if he had ever been to Portugal. He answered: "Where?" The country went bankrupt.
Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement" Me: "Thank you."
I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman's. "What type of pie is Herman's?" I asked the waiter. "Apple," he said. "Then why is it called Herman's pie?" "Because Herman called in to reserve it."
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: Bigfoot, because they don't exist.