Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
My wife said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before." So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Q: What was the first word out of Adam's mouth when he first saw Eve? A: Whoa man! Thus, the word "woman" was created.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Q: Why was the wizard kicked out of school. A: Because he forgot how to spell.
My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle. God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates." Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirty unwashed man in a vest. Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?" The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?" St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment." Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap." God says to St. Peter "Shit! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to bugger off!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to bugger off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord." God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone." A half hour passed. "Peter! Go and see if they have gone!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!" "Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."
Two blondes were talking together: First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?" Second: "He isn't just now my engaged." First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!" Second: "He is now my husband!"
Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless." Doc: "How? Give me an example." Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my dick."