Q: What did the grape say when it was crushed? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Boy: "Our principal is so stupid!" Girl: "Don't you know who I am?" Boy: "No?" Girl: "I'm the principals daughter". Boy: "Do you know who I am?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Good." *walks away quickly*
Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you'll go places.
Look up "rib" in the dictionary and it says "To vex, irritate or annoy." Look up "rib" in the Bible and it says "Woman." Coincidence?
Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok" A five years girl answered "Light", "Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?" "Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.