The best dad jokes

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

One morning I called my girlfriend and his father picked "Hello who are you?" I heard that heavy voice and quickly replied a while "hey Eric where are you the choir is about to begin?" "What choir?" he asked. "Come on Eric stop kidding around and get your ass over here" the father then replied "Sorry am not Eric and I don't know what you are talking about I am dr Stephen" he said. I then said "oh sorry I must have misdialled" I then hang up and decided I am never gonna call that girl again...

An internet maniac boy asks his father: Daddy, why do we have five fingers if the mouse has only two buttons?

How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers. When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing. "Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?" "I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of beer left, so I let my baby brother have it."