The best death jokes

After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
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has 58.87 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, ginger
A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!” “Thanks.” Smiles the fella, “but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.” “No worries,” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, “Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”
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has 58.75 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
Chuck Norris knows who's buried in Grant's Tomb.
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has 58.75 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Granny congratulates Johny to his birthday and tells him: "May you live so many years, how many steps you made to the church during these years!" Suddenly appears the Death and tells Johny: "Have you heard your Granny's wish? So, pack up your suitcases, tomorrow you'll finally go with me, mac! Those 4 steps will not save ya!"
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has 58.67 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: birthday, black humor, death, little Johnny, time
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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has 58.65 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: air force, death, military, money, navy
Chuck Norris can literally kill time.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
Chuck Norris's tombstone will say, "He's finally taking a nap, do not wake."
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, funeral
Chuck Norris can kill with blank bullets.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life
Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car? A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.
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has 58.51 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: black humor, car, death, jewish, morbid
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