Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead. I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
Death once took Chuck Norris. He regreted it.