Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant.
In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."
Vaginas are like weather,
when it's wet, it's time to go inside.
During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin.
"I was talking about the flavour!"
*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
*Grounded and high fived*
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation.
It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems!
Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God…'"
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches.
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right."
So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door."
So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all.
In fact, he heard no sounds at all.
Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."