One day, a hippie and a nun get on a bus. The hippie whispers into the nun's ear and says "You wanna have sex?" and the nun says, "No way you sicko!", after that, the hippie gets off the bus and tells the bus driver to tell the nuns to go to the graveyard at 9:00pm that night. At 9:00pm the nun arrives at the graveyard and the hippie is there dressed as god. The hippie then commands the nun to have sex with him and the nun replies, "Ok, but can you do it up the back?", the hippie agrees and they do it. After they're done, the hippie pulls of his mask and yells, "HA! I am the hippie from the bus" then the nun pulls of HIS mask and says "HA! I am the bus driver!"
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A girl married with a man who had only one foot. Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?" Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!" Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
When I was younger I used to think having sex was kissing naked. One day after showering my dog came in the restroom, so I kissed him on the head, after realizing what I did I ran downstairs, and told my mom that I had sex with the dog, you can image her face after hearing this. Yep I was a very dumb child.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless your in prison.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
Mr. Smith, the biology instructor at a Highschool, said during class, “Miss Jones, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.” Miss Jones gasped, then said, “Mr. Smith, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Smith called on Miss Brown and asked the same question. Miss Brown, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct,” said Mr. Smith. “And now, Miss Jones, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end. A toothbrush with toothpaste