A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog.
The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!"
The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!"
He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears.
The crocodile opens its jaws wide.
The guy unzips his pants, puts his pecker into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again.
The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's pecker.
Everybody in the bar is very impressed.
To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!"
But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged pecker than a hundred dollars.
Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice:
"I think I can do it!"
Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!"
The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"
Three men were caught for murder on same day.
Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”
He says, “I don’t know.”
She hold up a finger and says, “That big?”
He says, “Bigger.”
She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”
He says, “Smaller?”
She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom?
One you go in the other you come in!
A bloke asks his mate "do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?"
His mate replies "yeah, if she calls."
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in.
A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates “Who was the first man?” asked Peter.
“Adam.”
“That’s correct. Enter.”
Soon another man came along.
“Where did Adam and Eve live?”
”Eden.”
“That’s correct. Enter.”
Then Mother Theresa came along.
“Ooh, I’ll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?”
“Mmm, that IS a hard one.”
“Enter.”
Little Johnny in Math Class.
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class.
The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?"
Little Johnny replied "none."
Confused the teacher asked again.
"Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?"
Johnny replies "0."
Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this."
Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left."
Teacher says "that's not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking."
Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor.
One is sucking the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher replies, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny says, "no bitch it's the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."