Are your legs made of Nutella? Because I'd love to spread them!
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, “Your hair smells really nice today.” She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened. The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?” Furious, she snarls, “He’s a midget!”
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
What is the smallest hotel in the world? A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
The fingers of my girlfriend were in my pants; I asked her "Is it thick?" She said "yes dear." Again I asked: "Is it warm?" She replied: "yes honey." Then I asked: "Is it soft?" She said, "yes of course." "It is my shit!" I told her.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.
I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!