Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"
Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel. "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant. "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
Little Johnny: "Dad why your dick's hairs are black but the hairs of your head are are going to be white?" Dad: "My dear the first one is thinking but the second is enjoying."
Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave. When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom? One you go in the other you come in!
A bloke asks his mate "do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?" His mate replies "yeah, if she calls."