I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
The main rule to obey, if you are in jail: never take a bow for a fallen soap from the wash basin. Try and you'll cry.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Yo momma is so fat, that when NASA put her on the moon, her breasts were the only things bouncing... just like on earth.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet? A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough, he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen." "Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blowjob I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on." The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!
Q: What does Barbie use as a tampon? A: A Tic-Tac.