Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand.
Whatever mate, I've got two night stands.
Either side of my bed.
John comes home and notices his wife naked in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed.
The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will pee on your brand-new carpet."
Q: Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
A: They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile.
The crocodile told him, "Please let me go.
I'll grant you any wish you desire."
The man said, "Okay.
I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.
Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
"For love on the first sight, there's a tremendous medicine!"
"What medicine?"
"To get another look...!"
Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common?
A: Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.
Dear Husband,
I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me.
Love, Dishes