What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs? It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Sometimes I wish I was a bird: I would fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end. A toothbrush with toothpaste
I stopped a girl in the street last night and handed her a rape alarm and some pepper spray. She looked confused and said, "What are these for?" I started unbuttoning my jeans and replied, "I like a challenge."
Q: What do you call a one-man quickie? A: A yankee.
"Hey, I have a magic dildo for sale," he says. "What? There's no such thing," she replied. "No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildo my pussy.'" A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildo to the bathroom. A few minutes later she comes out. "Wow, that was great!" She says. She ends up buying the dildo and leaves the store. On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildo. Well she's really enjoying herself. The car is swerving and she rolls through a red. She ends up getting pulled over by a cop. After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story. She explains about the magic dildo and the shop. The cop says, "Magic dildo my ass."
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep? A: When the big hand touches the small one.
Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand? A: A brunette with bad breath.