Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Vote:
I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."
The next day she came in wearing black!
When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.
Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys?
Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips.
Little Johnny, "Why are you so fat?"
Little Billy, "Cause Every time I fuck ur mom she gives me a doughnut."
The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.
A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo.
She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildo.
She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
Vote:
What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Vote:
Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end.
He'll come out a wide receiver!
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.
"I want to pee whiskey," he says.
“But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to pee whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.
The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.
One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."
Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"