The best doctor jokes

Michael: "What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?" Matthew: "I don't know. What?" Michael: "Candy corneas."
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has 58.09 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: black humor, disgusting, doctor, Halloween, morbid
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. “Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked. “No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”
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has 57.36 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: doctor, food, men, time
The retired man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head." The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree. The Doctor remarks, "You've broken your finger!"
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has 56.98 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, old people
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep." Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
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has 56.86 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
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has 56.86 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure." Friend: "What do you do?" Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."
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has 56.86 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor. The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient: "Have you had this trouble before?" He answered: "Yes." Doctor said: "You have again got it."
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has 56.86 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
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has 56.84 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, doctor
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
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has 56.78 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: age, doctor, marriage, viagra, wife
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
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has 56.65 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: doctor, mechanic, medical, money
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