The best drunk jokes

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
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has 57.92 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: air force, animal, drunk
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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has 57.55 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: drunk, new year, time
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
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has 57.35 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, drunk, travel
What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk? "I set WHO free?"
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has 57.08 % from 224 votes. More jokes about: black people, drunk
How do you know when a crab is drunk? It walks forwards.
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk
Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22, but he roundhouse kicked it down to to a 12 pack and literally drank his problems away.
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, drunk
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer, drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, cop, death, drunk
The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house. He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, naked again?"
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has 54.77 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: animal, communication, dirty, drunk, stupid
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
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has 53.60 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: drunk, god, husband, marriage