The best drunk jokes

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. " Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" "Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
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has 59.75 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, husband, wife
A compass „Drinker": loose your limbs, find your North, let us dance!
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has 58.75 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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has 58.52 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: drunk, new year, time
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, I thought you would be tougher Batman!"
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has 58.51 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, celebrity, drunk
In the beautiful world of fantasy, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
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has 57.55 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: beauty, college, drunk, love, school
What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk? "I set WHO free?"
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has 57.38 % from 188 votes. More jokes about: black people, drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
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has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, cop, death, drunk
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, drunk, travel
Roses are blue My thumb's got a sliver I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.
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has 53.62 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, drunk, poems
When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.
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has 53.58 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: drunk, friendship, graduation