Q: What's the difference between an Indian and a toilet? A: The toilet smells good when it gets cleaned.
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom? A: Society!
Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley - the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".
A man and his son went into a store. The kid picked a USA flag and told his dad: "Dad, I want this flag." The man tells him: "Nah, this looks too bright. Check if it's available in a different color."
Q: "What do you call a Muslim shrink? A: A terrorpist."
Q: You know what would make America great again? A: If we kept the Mexicans and deported the hipsters.
A Jew, a German and an American walked into a small room. The Jew never came out.
An Arabic kid joined my football team. All he did was blow the plays.