Little Johnny was always late for school. When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle. Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket. Next day Johnny was on time. The teacher had history class. "What are the people in Asia called", she asked a student. "Asians", said the student. "What are the people in Africa called". "Africans" said the student. Then she asked Johnny, "What are the people in Europe called", but Johnny didn't know so the girl behind him whispered, "Euro pean." To that Johnny said, "No I'm not, that's just my popsicle."
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, "Nein!, Nein" So two guys walk away.
A man and his son went into a store. The kid picked a USA flag and told his dad: "Dad, I want this flag." The man tells him: "Nah, this looks too bright. Check if it's available in a different color."
Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley - the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".
Q: What's the difference between an Indian and a toilet? A: The toilet smells good when it gets cleaned.
Q: You know what would make America great again? A: If we kept the Mexicans and deported the hipsters.
Q: "What do you call a Muslim shrink? A: A terrorpist."
An Arabic kid joined my football team. All he did was blow the plays.