My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant? Burgers and flies.
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? A Saddle Light Dish.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted: "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"