When Chuck Norris wants salad, he eats a vegetarian.
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it? A: Cucumber, dirty people.
I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."
Your mama so fat she eats ice cream with a shovel.
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Two thieves each sneak into a rich man's party. During dinner the thieves marveled at how even the cutlery was made of gold, and both decided they would try to steal some. The first thief quietly slipped a golden spoon into his pocket, unaware that the second thief had witnessed this crime. After dinner, the second thief comes up with a way to steal a golden spoon without suspicion being placed on him. He picks up a golden spoon identical to the first and holds it up in front of the party-goers explaining he wishes to show them a magic trick. "And now..." he speaks to the crowd and points towards the first thief, "I will put this spoon into my pocket, and remove it from this gentleman here's own pocket!"
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.