First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?”
Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”
First soldier: “Whyever not?”
Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza:
Customer: "Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, it's Just Bread"
Domino's: "We're sorry to hear about this!"
Customer (minutes later): "Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/"
Vote:
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Boobies.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.
On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."
Men are like... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.