Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Vote:
Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
A: He went down really well!
Vote:
Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A: Cucumber, dirty people.
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.