Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
A blonde, a brunet and a red head were running from the cops when they came upon three empty sacks laying in front of a closed store. "Let's hide in these and the cops won't find us!" said the red head, and they each dove into the sacks. The brunet hid in one that said CAT. The red head hid in one that said DOG, and the blonde hid in one that said POTATOS. When the cops came by, they saw the bags and said: "Maybe they're in these sacks. Kick one of them." to the other. The other cop kicked the bag the brunet was in that said CAT and she said: "Meow!". So the cop kicked the second bag with the red head that said DOG. She said once kicked: "Woof!". So the cop moved on to the final sack that said POTATOS and kicked it. The blonde cried out: "Potatos!"
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow.
Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk." Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal... When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"