A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"
Yo mama is so skinny that she eats a nut and thoughts that she’s pregnant...
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.
A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "To the kitchen." he asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies, "Sure." he then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says, "No, I can remember that." he then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." She says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." he replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in her voice, she says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.