Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?" He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right." "Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break." "I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!" After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?" She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
Lays chips claims "No one can eat just one". Wrong. Chuck Norris ate ONE, laughed then ate a whole bag of Doritos.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: "Can you help me? I'm looking for a shredder." Coworker: "We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?" Customer: "Collard greens."
Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes? A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps. Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
Yo mama so fat and stupid, she went to a grocery store and tried to gamble at Butterball.
Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.
Q: How can you tell that a blonde been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There are M&M shells all over the floor.