Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?" He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right." "Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break." "I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!" After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?" She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Q: How can you tell that a blonde been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There are M&M shells all over the floor.
Yo mama so fat she puts insurance on her food.
When Chuck Norris opens a bottle of coke happiness runs away screaming.
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure.
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
Why did the horses kept saying orange juice? Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!