Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
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Q: Where do pirates buy their parrot food?
A: Petsmarrrrrrrrt!
Facebook is like a fridge, you keep checking it and nothing has changed.
For breakfast Chuck Norris enjoys toast and jellyfish.
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Chuck norris can eat chicken tonight tomorow.
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Champions eat Wheaties for breakfast.
Chuck Norris eats Champions for breakfast.
A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."
The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"
The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...
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Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off.
I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager.
A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with a spray bottle and paper towels in hand.
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"
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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"