At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. "Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."
Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman." The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats." At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut." A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.