"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
A Yankee from Chicago and a Texan were talking. The Yankee said, "sex is so easy where I'm from we just walk up and stick it in." The Texan said, "where I'm from we stick it in and walk up."
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. "I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here." The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.
Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people. It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.
A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?" "Because that's where we conceived her." "Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"
Q: Why can't women read maps? A: Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.