What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Q: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? A: Bronchitis.
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.