How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
When Chuck Norris has a heart attack, he attacks back.
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank? A: The sperm is handmade.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.