The best health jokes

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
has 74.89 % from 100 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, women
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
has 74.80 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the accused. "The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it." "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 130."
has 74.78 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: communication, health, lawyer, prison
Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.
has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
has 74.44 % from 213 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
has 74.29 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
has 74.05 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
has 73.80 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: black humor, health
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank? A: The sperm is handmade.
has 73.48 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: dirty, health, money
When Chuck Norris has a heart attack, he attacks back.
has 73.44 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
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