The best health jokes

The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Vote: has 72.76 % from 96 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, health
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Vote: has 72.71 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, life
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
Vote: has 72.56 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, food, health
My late grandfather always told me: "When there is a wind in your belly blow it out gently you feel a real comfort then look at the other's faces to see what are their reactions."
Vote: has 71.63 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, fart, health
On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing. The ground was slippery. So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's penis. His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"
Vote: has 71.56 % from 67 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, dirty, health, little Johnny, women
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
Vote: has 71.52 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: customer service, health, mean
In 1666, Chuck Norris caught the Plague. The Plague learned its lesson, and has stayed away since then.
Vote: has 71.43 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health, time
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Vote: has 71.43 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, communication, dog, health
GOD said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” “Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?” “Go down into the valley.” “What’s a valley?” asked Adam. God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.” “What’s a river?” God explained it to him, and then continued, “Go over the hill…”. “What’s a hill?” God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.” “What’s a cave?” After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” Adam asked, “What’s a woman?” So God explained that to him too. He continued, “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?” “Jeez,” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.” A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, “What’s a headache?”
Vote: has 71.38 % from 83 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: god, health, sex, women
Your momma is so ugly when she gets her beauty sleep she falls into a coma!
Vote: has 71.29 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, health, insulting, ugly, Yo mama