Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
Your momma is so ugly when she gets her beauty sleep she falls into a coma!
Q: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? A: Bronchitis.
In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large breasts. Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him. Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"