I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!" says the doctor, "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"