The best health jokes

Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
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has 66.50 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: communication, doctor, health, stupid
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
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has 66.24 % from 100 votes. More jokes about: health, viagra
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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has 66.18 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
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has 65.94 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
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has 65.68 % from 75 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!" says the doctor, "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, money
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
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has 65.39 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: black humor, food, health
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
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has 65.22 % from 113 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, health
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: health, medical, Valentines day
Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
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has 64.93 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: black humor, health, morbid