An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".
AIDS Can't Kill Chuck Norris.
In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large breasts. Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him. Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment!
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
Two dyslectic fellas sat in the kitchen... Fella 1: "Ere, can you smell gas?" Fella 2: "Who me? No... I can't even smell my own name!"
Yo mama so fat when Dracula bit her he said "1 diabete, 2 diabete, 3 diabete".
My Prediction for the Mayweather Mcgregor fight. It becomes a Handicap Match against Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris ends it with a single roundhouse kick before the bell stops ringing.