The best health jokes

Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him... - Good, good, good... - Doctor, what's good? - Good that I don't have what you have...
Vote:
has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, life
In 1666, Chuck Norris caught the Plague. The Plague learned its lesson, and has stayed away since then.
Vote:
has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health, time
Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients? A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.
Vote:
has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: family, health, medical
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”
Vote:
has 67.68 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: business, health, husband, men
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment!
Vote:
has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: bird, health, internet
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
Vote:
has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: health, wine
When Chuck Norris gets nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge, the bucket donates $1000 to ALS research.
Vote:
has 67.64 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health, money
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
Vote:
has 67.34 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: age, health, medical, old people, student
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
Vote:
has 67.31 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: fitness, health, sex, sport, wife
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Vote:
has 66.96 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: flirt, health, romantic