When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow into pasture.
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Which big cat should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm.
He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing."
The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck".
The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?
Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
Did you copy hers?, she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Vote:
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...
Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!