Joke #6899

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating — I call it goofing off ."

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Do you know the difference between a postal box and a monkey's arse? Well if you don't know I will never ask you to post a letter for me.

Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare.

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."

Q: Which American duo became famous for stealing horses? A: Bonnie and Clydesdale.

Yo' Mama is so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.

What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!