Joke #10112

What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines.
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I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
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Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?" Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor." Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?" Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
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Chuck Norris created the platypus by roundhouse kicking a duck at a beaver.
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A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
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Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple." This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny. He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
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What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
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Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake? A: A jump rope!
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What's the important part of a horse? The manr part.
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How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? Just a phew.
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