What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.
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What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out.
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
Q: Where does a kangaroo go that can't hop?
A: Hopspital.
How is a rabbit like a plum?
They re both purple, except for the rabbit.
Why did the frog cross the road?
Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.
What is a cow's favourite TV show?
Dr Moo.
What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?
A nerd herd.
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it.
Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender.
"Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
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