What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really.
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What does a frog say when it sees something' great?
Toadly awesome!
I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Why was the racehorse named Bad News?
Because bad news travels fast!
Why don't whales eat sushi very often?
Of course whales like sushi.
It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son.
Im all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey.
Im all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie.
Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.
Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I m feeling **** cold and freezing!"
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Grass class.
Two hikers are out hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger!
Beware of Dog’.
He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor.
‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper.
‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper.
‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’