How is a rabbit like a plum?
They re both purple, except for the rabbit.
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Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever.
Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”