I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
A single car crash kills a Mexican family. 15 people died.
A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’ ‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
The other day a friend and myself decided to try out an aerobics video because we were both feeling very unfit. We put the tape in and started to copy the movements. After a few minutes we had chopped each other's arms off with chain-saws. It was only then that we realized that I had accidentally put "Psycho Killers III" in the video by mistake! How we laughed!!!!
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.