I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me.
I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?
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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
Q: How do you get a black out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
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What's the difference between an apple and a black man?
None!
They both hang from trees.
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Old man: "Can you give me an erection?"
Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
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"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
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What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.
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Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
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Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust?
A: The cost.
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Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!
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Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
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